shut up

Seventeen years, seven months, and approximately 16 days ago, I Shania Weigandt was brought into this vast ever-changing world. Standards were not yet set. Nothing was yet expected of me, I was just this beautiful little life wrapped tightly in a foot-printed blanket with my whole entire life sprawled out in front of me, unknown. I at a young age had not yet realized that I had the control of my whole entire life. What would become of me was cradled into the palm of my tiny hands. It’s not until now that I realize at just days old, I had this power within me. I had this little spark that differentiated me from every, single, human being on this earth. I could not yet walk, let alone even do simple tasks for myself, but I Shania Weigandt at days old, had a God given power.

This power is not something that can be seen with the naked eye. This power was crafted ever so carefully carved by my thoughts, my feelings, and my experiences. It’s who I am. It's who I believe in. It’s my inspiration. Now, when asking someone what inspires them, many will say people, places, things, words, but my idea of inspiration probably isn’t the first thing that pops into someone's mind, but what do you expect, I am a quirky girl. My inspiration is a set of words. It’s not so strange that my inspiration comes from words, it’s the words themselves that leave people in wonder. In an ever so twisted way, I live my life by a two letter phrase- Shut up.

Growing up my siblings and I had several rules in the house, no throwing balls, no jumping on the couch, and no swearing, or saying any words that could possibly degrade someone. At the age of seven, some of those words consisted of stupid, and shut up, but the older I grew, the more I registered, that in life, it’s okay to say, and “Shut up.”

Now, before you call me crazy, and before you jump to any conclusions, let me explain how such an antipathetic word became my inspiration.

I'm no genius when it comes to life, but what I do know is that I am in control. You know what’s crazy? The fact that I can literally change my life at any moment. I can stop talking to anyone who makes me unhappy. I can shave my head, I can get on a plane and never come back, I can take my own life. Nothing is stopping me. The entire world is in my hands and I have no idea what to do with it.

As beautiful as this word may seem, like all things, it comes with its imperfections. This world is a broken place. I’ve always known that, but what I had yet to figure out was how I could possibly live my life in happiness. I struggle with things, I always will. I can't be in control of everything, but at times I tend to forget that I am in charge of my own happiness. It’s not easy, being genuinely satisfied 24/7. I can’t live my life pretending that bad things don't exist-because they do, and I can’t live my life pretending that everyone will always like and accept what i do-because they won't. I can’t live my life in fear. So I ask myself, how am I going to go through with this?

We all have that little voice inside of our heads, the one that I am using right now to write this paper, and the one you are using to read it. I have a love-hate relationship with my little voice. Throughout my life, I’ve failed at things, because I let myself. I don’t like listening to my own voice, she points out my mistakes, and she highlights my imperfections. That’s when I learned the value of the word shut up. Not only relating tomyself, but to other people. Not everyone will like me, and my inner voice will taunt me for that but that’s when I say “shut up” because I wasn’t created to please everyone. Not everyone will value my life-style, and my inner voice will insult me for that, but that’s when I say “shut up”. My own self will sneer at me, and tell me I can’t do it, and that I’m not good enough. That’s when I tell her to shut up.

I don't need to change my negative thoughts. I just need to change how i engaged with them. I love my little companion that lives inside of my head, but sometimes she just needs to shut up. I control my thoughts, but at times I let my thoughts control me. I have this vision of my life. What it’s supposed to be like. How I want things to turn out. But even the most insignificant, inconsequential things disturbs that perfect picture that I have in my head, and I get upset. that’s when I need to tell my head to shut up because I’m unique and different (and that’s okay) What inspires me to live the way I do is the fact that I can do what I want, be who I want, and not care anymore what someone thinks about it. I can worry about myself. I can stop being so frantic. I can now win the little battles in my head. I don’t have to question my worth.

So criticize me. Tell me I suck. Tell me I can’t. Tell me I’m not good enough, tell me anything you want. Let it get to my head. Degrade me. let my own voice break me down and strip me of everything I am . Let her brainwash my thoughts so much that I provoke myself into thinking that I don’t deserve to be alive. Let her taunt me. Let her talk.Guess what I’ll tell her? Shut up.