A letter to my serenity

Serenity. I don’t know if you’re well accustomed to this word, but I am. It’s defined as the state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled. It’s my favorite word. Why so? Because it’s more intricate than happy. Happy is a feeling, it’s a pleasure of contentment. And serenity? Serenity my friend, is a place. And when I fathom my future, I have a raging ambition that my life be serene. Whether that be with who I end up marrying, what I end up doing, or even just being more than someone who is here simply existing. And why am I telling you this? Because you, you’re my serenity.

I never had it easy. With friends I mean. I was always getting kicked around. And maybe it was my fault, maybe I did it to myself, but the thing that I could never comprehend was why. I was never given a reason. And that always made me feel as if I weren’t good enough, it made me feel as if I needed to change who I was to be aesthetically satisfying enough for them. And I tried, oh goodness did I try. But no matter what I did it just wasn’t enough.

Rejection. A fearful word for most, a fearful word of mine. It’s not easy making friends after being rejected so many times. It's not easy putting yourself out there when you were once abandon before for nothing more than just trying to be yourself. Mistake after mistake, and rejection after rejection I had misplaced it all. High School's supposed to be the best four years of your life right? But my urge to be alive was nonexistent. My motivation for everything had vanished. I lost it all. I let it all slip through the palms of my hands and fall into the cracks of the earth where it would never see the light again. I started this year off friendless, lonely, depressed and in a state of rejection.

Opportunity. A set of circumstances that make it possible to do something. It was the only thing I had left. The only option. And I knew damn well that I better seize every opportunity that was sprawled before my eyes for I knew that no one could take away my opportunities, no one could strip me of my possibilities and then clothe me with rejection. And that’s when it happened. My opportunity. It was straightforward. I placed myself at that art table. Believe it or not, but I was nervous. The whole time I sat there and I worried and worried and my own thoughts started to consume me. My own conscious was eating away at my brain. What if they don’t want me here? What if they think I’m annoying? Was this all just going to be another mistake that would pile onto the hardships I was already enduring?

wrong, this art table became my explicable abstraction. A slice of my serene life. It didn’t matter what I was going through, nor who anyone else thought I was, or how I was going to be shook awake to my horrible life the second I slammed the car door shut and fled from that parking lot, during that 8th period art class I fit in. I didn’t have to change. I could be real. I didn’t have to beat myself up internally after saying something because I was afraid it would lead to yet another rejection.

Simplicity. In character, manner, style, basically in all things the supreme excellence is simplicity. And this is one thing I admire about you Lindsay. You have this lively zest for life, and the magic is all crafted within the humbleness of your pure heart. You make living look so effortlessly. You make it serene. With every breath you take in on this earth you inhale with simplicity and exhale with so much more. I don’t know if it’s your passion for basketball, your family, your friends, or just your lively urge to live, but whether you believe it or not you have made my life serene. Rejection after rejection I just had enough. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I had no motivation to live. I didn’t think that I would ever be accepted. I didn’t think that being myself would ever be enough, but you taught me that being myself was more than enough. I saw an opportunity, and I took it. And it led me to discovering some of the best friends. It gave me confidence to go for a boy, find love and be loved. I may have just been another presence at the table, but to me, sitting at that table gave me passion. It told the rejection to f*** off because Shania was about to be reborn. It gave me laughter. It filled my soul full of bliss. It gave me a reason to live. It gave me a person to look up to, and there isn’t enough words, paper, nor ink to express to you how much you mean to me and how much you changed my life.

So Lindsay,

I can’t thank you enough for being yourself. For giving me bellyaching laughter. For giving me an opportunity of a lifetime for you it may have been nothing, but to me it was EVERYTHING. It gave my life a complete uturn. It gave me a slice of the serene life I was so desperately longing for. I hope everything goes well for you in college and I just wanted to let you know I will miss that inexplicable abstraction during 8th period art that opened a door that didn’t reject, nor lock behind my back. Thanks for making me feel wanted, giving me purpose and most importantly for being my serenity.

Xoxo,

shania