growing up
“We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves.” I now understand why Peter Pan never wanted to grow up. It’s like riding a bike. You somewhat know what you’re doing... Except the bikes on fire and you’re not really sure where you’re headed, but you know that you won’t get anywhere if you don’t pedal. You can stop and help other people ride their bikes, but whether they will return the favor later in life is unknown. And that’s what sucks my friends. The worst part about riding this darn bike is that everything bound to happen is unknown. And I think that’s the scary part, no not riding the bike, the unknown. It may be one of the biggest fears known to mankind- growing up is not knowing.
Growing ups different, and if someone told me how it was all going to go down I don't think I would of had the slightest belief in them. It's hard. Heartbreaking. It's life. I can barely even put it into perspective because it’s different for everyone. In life we’re supposed to expect the unexpected, but when the unexpected occurs we’re not so sure how to react to it. It's things like my once best friend who selected a low life boy over me and now acts like she never used to basically live with me, nor ever know me at a point in her life. Growing up is the former neighbor girl who passes me in the hallways. This girl spent more than half of her life with me, and yet she finds it hard to look me in the eyes as she floats by. Growing up is looking back at that boy who I swore I was going to marry someday until he broke my heart, crushed my trust and made me feel as if I were never meant to be loved in the first place. I no longer am able to find a single thing I like about this boy. And I tend to grapple, trying to find words of comfort but I never can, so I gulp down air wondering why I ever fell for him in the first place. Growing up is that group of girls who weren't really my friends, but associates who used me as a stepping stone to climb their way up, and the second they passed me they stomped on me, shoved me down and never glanced back again. Growing up is when I receive a text that says “I miss you”, but I delicately take my finger, swipe, tap and delete the message acting as if I never received it in the first place. Growing up is not apologizing all the time because I’ve realized that i’m not always wrong, but I tend to clutch the words “I'm sorry” in my back pocket and forget them because I’m stubborn. Growing up is when someone locks eyes with me and still has the nerve to lie to me with such a lack of effort and willingness, so much so that they have me so damn convinced. Growing up is that friend group of 12 that day by day starts to gradually segregate into smaller groups and before I knew it, one day the only person I could look at and trust was the one in the mirror. Growing up is me not trying to please everyone anymore because I know they'll just leave me in the end. Growing up is picking my own self up because even the best of friends will never truly be capable enough to understand. Growing up is realizing that what makes me happy doesn't make everyone else happy. So who cares. Growing up is wishing I could go back and whisper “this isn’t worth it”-but I can’t. Growing up is like drowning, one second I’m squirming desperately trying to get just one more breath of air, but the next realizing it's no longer worth it because I’m already too far at the bottom, so I quit being so frantic and let myself sink back down to rock bottom. But you know what else growing up is? Growing up is being able to tear up pictures because I no longer need them to reassure that I was once wanted. It’s being able to walk past someone who at one point ignited a fire of anger so deep within me, but now I feel nothing at all. Growing up is realizing that not everything is going to go my way, and everyday isn't going to be fun and exciting and happy-but that's okay. It's just how it is. We win some and we lose some, but when we lose we can't let that feeling drag us down with it, and when we win we can't let ourselves think we're superior to everyone else. Growing up is being all the way down at rock bottom and telling yourself that it's okay, it is so okay, because now the only way you can go is up. It's growing with ourselves, it’s growing for ourselves. No, it’s not easy, because if it was easy then everyone would be capable of doing it. What would be the purpose of life if it only required such a lax effort. How would we find out who we’re supposed to be if we’re never given given the chance to have our minds tested and our own well beings thrown to the ground and challenged before our very eyes. What would that be? How are we supposed to know how to feel if we’re never hurt. How are we supposed to know how to love if we don’t know what hate is. How do we find comfort if we’re never exposed to fear. How do we learn how to breathe and live and survive if we don’t ever know what it means to die. Exactly, we wouldn’t. And as painful as it sounds to hurt and break and die, doesn’t that give you hope for something else? It does for me. So I’ll take my bike, jump on, grip the handles and face my fears head on. Let it throw me off, let it try and resist my lively urge to go forward, I’ll just get back on, grip the handles a little harder and put in a little more grit to protrude myself into the unknown. I’ll do it a thousand more times if I have to. And you know what? I already have, and so have you- we confront the unknown every single day. Don’t believe me? It’s called growing up.
