I'm sorry

“Sometimes, someone hurts you so bad it stops hurting at all until something makes you feel again and then it all comes back.” Every word. Every hurt. Every moment. How could someone else understand where you are coming from? Even if you ask them, even if they listen, they don’t really hear. They don’t really see. They don’t feel, and they cannot remember. They haven't walked your path. It’s like the same thing that holds you up, is forcing you down. Your world starts to turn upside down and order ever so slowly disappears. Nothing is how you want it to be. You try to get by. You try to act like it doesn't exist. Who’s going to be there to whisper in your ear that everything is going to be okay??? Not them. I know you’re helpless. Dependent. Desperate. But that’s what happens when those that you need and want the most threaten your very existence. I know you need something. I can’t promise you anything. I myself could use someone to guide me through my life, but I know it doesn't work like that. I wrote this for you because I know that there is at least one person out there who needs this. So this is for you.

Dear you,

You're susceptible. You're attached. You're lost and you don’t know how you got yourself in this situation anyways. I am not here to change the situation for you, because I myself cannot alter that, but I’m here to tell you that I am sorry.

I am sorry. I'm sorry you're hurt. I’m sorry for every night you stood awake staring at the ceiling and it was blurry because of the tears in your eyes. I’m sorry that you sat there scrolling through your phone waiting for someone, anything, anyone to notice a slight change in you that you're trying ever so cautiously to hide. I'm sorry that you're slowly breaking. I’m sorry for the blankness you feel in your heart as you're struggling to figure out what to do and who to be, and I'm sorry you have no one help you along the way. I’m sorry that someone hurt you. I am sorry for every time their pride got in the way. I’m sorry for all the things that they wouldn’t do for you. All the words they wouldn’t say, and I’m sorry for all the things they should have done, but they themselves held back. I’m sorry that they made it hard for another person to love you. They ruined your trust, and now for every person that tries to enter your life, you see bits and pieces of them, and this kills you. I’m sorry you don't give other people 100% because you were treated like you don't deserve it. You restrain because the person who hurt you has their name scratched in you. I'm sorry for all the times your friends had to pick you up, take you out, and try to get a single smirk out of you. I’m sorry for all the shoulders you cried on, and I’m sorry theirs was never one of them. I’m sorry they didn’t love you, and respect you like you deserve. I'm sorry they made you feel as if you don't deserve anything. I’m sorry for what they put you through. I’m sorry for all the times they made your heart drop, and all the times they fueled your insides with a burning sensation called anger. I’m sorry that you tried, and I’m sorry that they didn’t. I’m sorry for all the marks they left on you. Not physically, but far worse. Mentally. I’m sorry that they don’t give a damn about you. I’m sorry they gave you an ache that you don’t think will stop hurting. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that they are not sorry.

I could promise you something, but promises are stupid. They all sound the same. Push hard enough and they all prove to be empty. I can tell you something though. The sun comes up every morning, but not for me, but at least it comes up. It comes up every morning and maybe that gives you faith. Maybe that gives you hope. It means something. I may not know all of you who read this, but that’s not the point. I might not ever get to know you on a personal level, but I wanted you to hear this. Trust me. It gets better, your wounds will heal. You will find someone to drain the anger and put out the fire. You will find someone who respects you, who cares about you, and you will find someone who is sorry. You may feel lost now, but I’m sorry for you, and I care about you. You are not stupid. You’re not worthless. You are not unwanted. You’re not unseen. Youre not unheard. You are not any of those things. You’re susceptible. You’re attached, but that ends today. The sun comes up every morning, and it comes up for you. You are loved. You are wanted, and I care about you.

I know they're not sorry, but I am.