Dear past me
Dear past me,
Forest Gump once said “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get,” and he was right. So much so that you will start to hate chocolate. Absolutely despise it.
It all starts with a boy. A very good looking boy. More specific a Redskin. Let me give you a back drop. Very athletic. Breathtaking smirk. Not studious. Jock. Yes, go figure you fall for a jock. He is going to blind you. He is going to control you. Tell you what you are. Yell at you. Make you cry. It won’t feel right. He is toxic to you, but you’re so blind that you won’t even see it. You are going to invest all your time in him just so he can tell you you’re a waste of time. Everyone is going to tell you he’s not the one, but you will stand your ground and stick up for him. He’s not the one. He’s a bad chocolate- a rotten one.
I know you and your googly eyes won’t believe me. He won’t even get to know you. He probably couldn’t spell your name if you asked him. He is going to mess you up. Not once, not twice, but several times. And even worse? He’s going to screw you over with someone who is currently your best friend. And when you find out you are going to drop to the ground and cry. That type of cry in the movies where everything around you slows down, and spins and blurs and crumbles. You thought it couldn’t possibly get worse? It does. He is still going to text you. He is going to tell you about her everyday, shoot his venomous words in your vains. You are going to put yourself through that. You are going to see her with him. THIS WILL KILL YOU. And the girl? She’ll never talk to you again. How do I know this? It's been a year and I still haven't heard from her. You’re going to cry. You’re going to be alone. You will spend many nights in your walk-in closet. It will become your best friend, your safe place. You’ll spend many nights in there trying to figure out what to do, who to be, and how to feel. You’re going to cry for 84 days. How do I know this? Because you’re going to mark it down. And the 85th day? I’m not quite sure what happens, but you won’t cry. This redskin has his name scratched in your heart like a broken CD. You’ll spend many nights staring at your ceiling wondering why you aren’t good enough. Asking God. I look back at this boy who I swore I was going to marry someday. He broke my heart, crushed my trust and made me feel as if I were never meant to be loved in the first place. I no longer am able to find a single thing I like about this boy. He will make you cry and break things and go on late night drives just to fly past his house and flip him off. I still grapple.I try to find words of comfort, but I can’t. You won’t be able to take it anymore. The hurt. The heartbreak. You’re going to hurl the box of chocolates on the floor and they will scatter on the, and one will roll right to you. You’ll pick it up and try it- this will be the best thing that will ever happen to you.
Say goodbye to Redskin, and hello to Raider. Let me give you a back drop. Athletic. Adorable brown puppy dog eyes. Studious. Shy. Yes, you crazy Shania, you will fall for the quiet nice boy who is basically a wallflower. I know, strange. It will take this boy eight months to get enough nerve to ask you to hang out. When he finally does he will be so nervous that he will crash his car into your garage and you’ll take the blame for it. Why? Because it feels right. He make sure to grab you strawberry- kiwi juice boxes because you love them. He won’t dare throw his car in reverse until he sees you shut the garage door because he knows you’re afraid of the dark. He’ll sing in the car with you. Absorb every detail about you. Scrutinize you. Make you feel again. Open your eyes. Detox you. This piece of chocolate will bring harmony to your taste buds and pour your soul full of bliss. But you can’t have it. You can’t have it till you eat the rotten chocolate. You think I’m psychotic? I’m not. You can’t have the good chocolate before the rotten one. Why not?
Life’s not easy, because if it was easy then everyone would be capable of doing it. What would be the purpose of life if it only required such a lax effort. How would you find out who you’re supposed to be if you’re never given given the chance to have your mind tested and your own well being thrown to the ground and challenged before your very eyes. What would that be? How are you supposed to know how to feel if your never hurt Shania? How are you supposed to know how to love if you don’t know what hate is. How are you going to find comfort if you're never exposed to fear. How are you going to learn how to breathe and live and survive if you don't ever know what it means to die. Exactly, you won’t. And as painful as it sounds to hurt and break and die, doesn’t that give you hope for something else? Everything happens for a reason. You would've never discovered the Raider if you weren’t so angry, and tired, and done. Forest Gump once said “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get,” and he was right. So much so that you will start to love chocolate again. Absolutely adore it.
Xoxo,
Shania
